Photo from July 16, 2013, around 8 am.
So this is where I'm starting. There are times when I feel the "number" is like a weight around my neck. No matter how much I have lost or gained over the years, I always come back to it.
I'm gay and I've battled with my self-image since adolescence. While other guys participated in sports and dated, I was battling my own doubts about who I was and burying my feelings with food. To this day I still continue to battle those self-doubts and food has always been there for me.
For 25 years I've not given myself permission to lose weight. I've never gotten over being that scared, in-the-closet teenager. I've never allowed myself to be the person that deep down I have dreamed of being.
In the gay community there are many "classifications" of gays. The kind of guy that I have idolized, that I have dreamed of being, is a "muscle bear". "Bears" are basically gay guys who are larger and have a lot of body hair. Guys who work to take care of their bodies (and have said body hair) are called "muscle bears" - that is the kind of man I crave to be.
But I have to be realistic, this weight didn't appear overnight and it's not going to disappear overnight. It's going to take a hard work and dedication. It's going to take me waking up every morning and rededicating myself to becoming THAT man.
Today during my workout session with Kyle, about 30 minutes into it, I wanted to half-ass it. But then I realized, I do that, and I'm just wasting my time. It was at that moment that I created "Beast Mode". Every workout, every training session, every physical therapy session, I go into "Beast Mode". Give it everything I have for that time. No. Matter. What.
Yesterday my Mom and I went to lunch at a Chinese restaurant. The following was my fortune. It couldn't be more appropriate to my journey....
in bed. :-)
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