But I needed to write.
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| Not my dentist, but this guy reminds me a lot of him. |
Not gonna lie - he makes going to the dentist A LOT easier.
I've been to the gym almost every morning this week and I've been feeling good about it. My workouts have been strong and for some reason, my body has been waking up early. I guess to make sure that I get my fat ass to the the gym.
Today I had the opportunity to chat with "Le Sigh" again. We're both fans of the San Francisco 49'ers and with the NFC Championship coming up this Sunday, we stopped to talk about what to expect. He was wearing a tight black "Under Armour" style shirt and it took everything I had in my to not allow things to "pop up". I also got his name. :-)
Seeing both my dentist and "Le Sigh" really made me think about what it is in them that I find so appealing. They're strong, confident and just all around "guys". I think I'm a little jealous because to me they represent the "jocks" or the "popular" guys. Both of them are around my age, so it hurts me a bit that I see men who are my age and yet in such different place physically.
I was never part of the "in" crowd in high school or college and I desperately ached to be. In a lot of ways I'm still that insecure kid aching to belong. I think in a lot of ways I haven't allowed myself to create the body that I want to have because I never felt deserving of it.
With the help of my husband and friends, along with some helpful hypnosis, I'm slowly realizing that I can build the body I desire because I deserve it.
Great to be in shape. Great to be hunky and handsome. But that won't make you the man you want to be. You might even already be that man and just not know it.
ReplyDeleteI think I'm getting there. It's just taking time to "let him out". In a lot of ways, I see those type of guys as the "finish line" and I feel like I'm just getting out of the starting blocks. I can see the end, but it's a long way to get there.
DeleteThanks so much for your comment. It really means a lot to me. :-)
When I was in the monastery, my primary ministry was "formation" -- introducing new members to our way of life. At one time this was approached in terms of "mold them into a Discalced Carmelite." By my time, it was more, "let's see if there is a Discalced Carmelite in there trying to emerge." I am happy to see you say you are trying to let him/yourself out. And perhaps a suggestion from Twelve Step experience: progress, not perfection. Those guys are not the finish line. The joy of running the race is not just at the finish line if you are able to rejoice in every step you take. Keep on stepping -- high stepping!
DeleteBTW, I have a hunky dentist, too, and it does make it easier to get those regular checkups! I just hope if he notices me staring at his mouth that he assumes that I am just thinking about teeth.
My dentist has BEAUTIFUL eyes. I have to be careful not to just stare into them, I'd get lost.
ReplyDeleteI see your point about rejoicing in every step. I'm one of those people who has trouble "enjoying the journey". I kinda want to get to the destination as quickly as possible. LOL But I will be making more of a concentrated effort to celebrate my successes and not compare that to where I ultimately want to be. One step at a time. :-)
"I was never part of the "in" crowd in high school or college and I desperately ached to be. In a lot of ways I'm still that insecure kid aching to belong."
ReplyDeleteThis is interesting. A common theme among gays I think. Do you think this has anything to do with being gay? Maybe you knew you were not the same as the other guys?
Oh it's probably a combination of things. My family was in the Navy, so we moved around a lot, which meant I didn't have much of a chance to really build friendships. For a long time I was always, "the new kid".
DeleteI would guess being gay probably had something to do with it as well. I think a lot of gay men never truly feel comfortable in their own skin until they come out. And even then.....
I have good and bad experiences with dentists. Now I love the hygienist, but the dentist, not so much. He is ALWAYS trying to sell me expensive treatments with no real justification. One time, he wasn't there, and another dentist saw me. I asked about things he'd recommended without mentioning he'd recommended it. She said "oh no, no need for any of that". The hygienist is gentle, and my mouth never feels invaded.
ReplyDeleteI've gotten back to the gym, but missed a couple days since I overdid it last time! I'm VERY sore. I will take it easy next time.
I was a band and theatre geek. Sort of in, ya know? But on the fringe. I knew I was gay, but not what to do about it.
Peace <3
Jay
I was a yearbook geek. :-) In a lot of ways I think I knew that I was gay as well, but growing up Southern Baptist, I thought I could pray it away.
DeleteKilled it at the gym today. Felt great and tomorrow I think I'm gonna try something new. :-)
I am VERY weird. I grew up Southern Baptist and we actually had sex ed at church camp (http://jayinva.blogspot.com/2011/11/church-camp-warning-adult-content.html). Later on, I was in another church and we had gay members and friends. But I was still in.
DeleteTomorrow I will do another walk about. The Virginia Museum of Fine Arts, the movie costume and picture exhibit! Another 2-3 hours of walking. But I will have to hustle between displays to get the heart rate up!
Peace <3
Jay
Wow! There were guys at my church that I had crushes on, and now I know of a few guys in my youth group who were also gay. But I never even thought about the possibility of fooling around. Damn.
DeleteEnjoy the museum. Just getting out and moving is the important thing!
Powerful entry
ReplyDeleteThanks so much. I want this to be an honest blog - writing about everything - the good as well as the not so good.
DeleteThanks for reading!