Sunday Selfie #1

Jim from Jim's Stuff issued a new challenge along the lines of the "Throwback Thursday" photos. Each Sunday, I'm to post a "selfie" and blog about whatever I want.  So I'm accepting that challenge (it gives me a reason to blog).

The past couple of weeks have been adventurous.  I spent 6 days in Pensacola helping my Mom pack up her residence and move the belongings to Iowa.  She's moving here after 30 years in Florida.  It's time. She'll be working at my school as an Educational Assistant and I'm looking forward to seeing her on a more regular basis.

The week in Pensacola wasn't easy.  It was difficult for Mom to say goodbye to certain things and to decide what to take and what to leave.  On the last day in the city, Matt flew down. He and I drove the U-Haul truck up to Iowa, while Mom went to Jacksonville to visit my brother and his family.  

The drive to Iowa was long and mostly uneventful.  We did stop in Sikeston, Missouri to have lunch with our Flower Gurl, Heather.  The restaurant, Lambert's Cafe, is famous for their "throw'd rolls". The kid with the rolls would stand on one end of the dining room and throw them to people who wanted them.  The guy had pinpoint accuracy and the rolls were freaking delicious!!!!

Since I got back from Florida, the trip really caught up with me.  I was working my butt off and trying to keep my stress level under control.  This week I was exhausted and I've just felt off.  I haven't been to the gym and I've felt it.  I really understand the saying, "a body in motion tends to stay in motion, a body at rest tends to remain at rest."  

Thinking about it today, before I left for Florida I was active almost every day at the gym.  Since I've been back, it's just been easier not to go.  I've convinced myself that my body simply needed the rest, and I'm sure that for a few days that was the case.  But now, it's time to get back on the horse and drag my ass to work out.

Big and Stupid

In a facebook group that I am a member of, a discussion popped up about what we found attractive in a man (at least the women and gay guy...lol).  I came clean about loving a guy who is big (beefy) and maybe not the sharpest crayon in the box.  Today I had an experience that verified that belief.

Following my lap swim at the gym, I took to the dry sauna.  I was enjoying the heat, when low and behold a walking wet dream opened the door.  This guy was build like a brick wall.  He was smooth, but I was willing to overlook that. :-)

After setting his stuff down, he asked if he could pour a little water on the rocks to increase the steam. No argument from me as I wanted to see this guy get all hot and sweaty.  He mentioned that he was an MMA instructor (cut to me picturing him in those tight shorts the fighters wear) and that sweat was a great way to get the toxins outta the body.  Mmmmhmmm. Sure. Anything you say.

I asked what he did for a living.  He's a Polk County Sheriff's Deputy.  SCORE!!!!  He's hot, beefy AND a cop!  OMG could this get any better?

Unfortunately not, as we continued talking....

I told him that I was a math teacher and he responded that he loved math because you always got an answer.  Ok, digging this guy a little more.  Then he goes on to talk about he really loved debate and that he could debate any atheist and make them change their views.

Uhhhh, what?

At that moment, the dream died.  Turns out he was a raging evangelical.  Didn't believe in evolution and, from his comments, was very much not a fan of the President.  He was very full of himself and how clever he was.

I never mentioned that I'm Eggnostic (I'm not saying there is Egg Nog.  I'm not saying there isn't Egg Nog.  I'm saying we just don't know.  --- Max on Happy Endings).  I also failed to mention that I was gay and that I'm indeed married.  I'm sure he would have loved that.  I wasn't looking for a debate in a sauna where I was pretty sure that my turkey timer was ready to pop.

Oh why couldn't he have just been a nice, simple guy that I could have had considered a future ex-husband?

Sigh......

The Starting Point

Photo from July 16, 2013, around 8 am.

So this is where I'm starting.  There are times when I feel the "number" is like a weight around my neck.  No matter how much I have lost or gained over the years, I always come back to it.  

I'm gay and I've battled with my self-image since adolescence.  While other guys participated in sports and dated, I was battling my own doubts about who I was and burying my feelings with food.  To this day I still continue to battle those self-doubts and food has always been there for me.

For 25 years I've not given myself permission to lose weight.  I've never gotten over being that scared, in-the-closet teenager.  I've never allowed myself to be the person that deep down I have dreamed of being.

In the gay community there are many "classifications" of gays.  The kind of guy that I have idolized, that I have dreamed of being, is a "muscle bear".  "Bears" are basically gay guys who are larger and have a lot of body hair.  Guys who work to take care of their bodies (and have said body hair) are called "muscle bears" - that is the kind of man I crave to be.

But I have to be realistic, this weight didn't appear overnight and it's not going to disappear overnight. It's going to take a hard work and dedication.  It's going to take me waking up every morning and rededicating myself to becoming THAT man.

Today during my workout session with Kyle, about 30 minutes into it, I wanted to half-ass it. But then I realized, I do that, and I'm just wasting my time. It was at that moment that I created "Beast Mode". Every workout, every training session, every physical therapy session, I go into "Beast Mode".  Give it everything I have for that time.  No.  Matter.  What.

Yesterday my Mom and I went to lunch at a Chinese restaurant.  The following was my fortune.  It couldn't be more appropriate to my journey....

in bed.  :-)

Just Keep Swimming

Today I had my very first swimming lesson.  

For the past two years I've been having trouble with my lower back.  In December of last year I was diagnosed with a bulging disc.  I've been in physical therapy off and on since then and have also been working with a personal trainer to lose weight (more on that later).

Swimming is a no-impact exercise that I thought would be a great way to take the pressure off my back. I'll be honest, I thought it was going to be easy.  I mean, it certainly looks easy enough when others are doing it.  

A coworker of mine, Kecia, offered to coach me on how to lap swim.  She met me today at the Ames Racquet and Fitness pool and was there when I hopped in for the first time.  She asked me to swim one lap so she could see how I swim.  MYLANTA it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I had not idea how to breathe.  There's a big difference between racing someone to the other end of a pool and actually swimming a lap.  

Kecia was very helpful and encouraging.  She took me through some exercises to help me improve my form and breathing.  I have homework over the next two weeks to swim as many days as I can.  Her last instructions to me were, "Just Keep Swimming".

It felt wonderful being in the pool.  Even though I was struggling, it just felt right.  I truly wished I had started this sooner.  Plus there was a really hot guy swimming in the lane next to me.  BONUS!

I'm playing volleyball again!

So as the ones of you who have read my blog know, I used to play rec league volleyball with a team that frustrated the hell out of me.  I played with them for close to two years and just grew tired of being on a team that wasn't concerned with getting better and was comfortable with losing.  I left the team and searched for a new one.

Last season I was contacted by a manager seeking as many players as he could find.  I immediately signed up.  Our rag-tag team was placed in the B+ division of the co-ed league.  Yeah, um, we weren't a B+ team.  We went the entire season without winning a single set.  Opposing teams regularly kicked the snot out of us and some seemed to take pleasure in spiking on us every single play (way to show some sportsmanship).  But the thing was, we were having fun and working to get better.  We knew we were over our heads and used the matches as a chance to practice and improve our skills.

This season our team was moved down to the B league and while we're not setting the world on fire with our play, we are doing MUCH better.  We've won 3 matches vs. 4 losses.  I truly feel like I'm getting better and I'm having a blast playing.  Winning a match is an amazing feeling, and not one that I'm used to.  :-)

Last summer I had the opportunity to attend the Gay Softball World Series in Minneapolis.  It was a great event, but ultimately I left a little sad that there wasn't a gay sports league in central Iowa.  I was envious of the camaraderie that I saw out on the field.  Here were guys who were talented, skillful and supportive of one another.  Oh yeah, and they just happened to be gay.

Well, low and behold, a gay sports league is being formed in the Des Moines area.  I've signed up to play volleyball and am very excited.  Not only am I going to get to play volleyball, but also expand my network of gay friends, something that I've been working on expanding.

The group is also planning a softball league as well and I love it!  I'm hopeful that the league will be a success and take off.  Now I just need to find a good pair of volleyball shoes.

I'm back

Welcome back to the world of blogging. :-)

I've missed being away and am going to make more of an effort to share my thoughts and views on my world.

Today I began the Advocare 24 Day Challenge.  This will be a chance to jump start weight loss for me.  In November I was diagnosed with a bulging disc in my lower back which has been causing me pain for the better part of two years.  In addition to physical therapy, my doctor also advised me to lose weight.

So here's where I'm starting.  I weighed 235.5 pounds this morning.  It's funny how I always seem to come back to the mid-230s on my weight.  After all the measurements, I'm starting out at 299.75 inches.  And now for the photo.....

This is a journey that I have to succeed with.  It's now an issue of health for me.  Plus I just want to be one of those guys that I idolize at the gym.  I've got the support system, now it's up to me to make it happen.

The Song of My Life

A friend of mine and I were talking about our favorite songs.  We realized that the songs that we liked didn't necessarily represent who we were.  This lead to a discussion of the song that would be tell the story of each of us.  Mine was obvious .... "My Stupid Mouth" by John Mayer.

The lyrics of this song fit me perfectly.  I have a tendency to open my mouth and say the dumbest things.  Often it's a lame attempt at being funny, or simply just trying to fit in.  Maybe now that I'm in my 40s, I'll learn to keep my mouth closed.

Yeah, that'll happen.